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And I mean all forms of contact - in person, over the phone, email, IM, texting, etc. If you absolutely must relay a message to him, try to go through a mutual friend. When my ex-fiancé and I broke up, he insisted on no contact and was brilliant for doing so.No matter who initiates the breakup or what the reasons for it might be, it is followed by a mourning and transition process.It can be just as hard to break up with someone as it is to be dumped, too.If you broke your leg, would you expect to walk on it the next day? If you mask, medicate, or deny your feelings, you are likely to get into another relationship that will probably result in another breakup.I recommend lots of time with supportive girlfriends who will not sit around bashing your ex, but rather will simply listen to you while encouraging your healing.Read through the list, thinking about your past breakups, and check off the ones in each category that apply to you. I did not talk to my ex for a significant period of time after our breakup. I made every effort to get out of his or her head and into mine. When reflecting on the relationship, I tried to separate fantasy from reality.
I did not torture myself by only thinking about the good. I always wondered what he or she was doing or thinking. I followed my ex, called and hung up, and/or drove by my ex's house.
Some sessions with a therapist or quality time with an older female mentor could also be helpful. If your "don'ts" outnumber your "dos," your behavior might hinder your ability to get what you want.
Six months down the road if you feel like you truly have accepted your life without him in it, then perhaps set up a coffee date with your ex to either get "closure" or take a step towards friendship. I beat myself up constantly and thought of things I could or should have done differently to salvage the relationship. Look more closely at the "dos" and find new behaviors to replace the "don'ts." Behaviors that encourage our growth rather than weighing us down are the secret to getting what we want in future relationships.
To evaluate how healthy your relationship rehab program is going, see the checklist below from my first book, Twenty-Something, Twenty-Everything.
- Christine Exercise: Breakup Dos and Don'ts Below is a checklist summarizing all the dos and don'ts of break-ups.
You may be torturing yourself by remembering all the good stuff and none of the reasons why you were not a match.