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Of course your husband should not blame you and he must take responsibility for how he has hurt you with his online behaviour, but the two of you must take responsibility for improving the marriage.
I still feel really unhappy about what he has done.
Improving the marriage The discovery of your husband’s online world is a crisis in your marriage but it can also represent an opportunity.
You could see this as a “wake-up call in your marriage to examine problems in the communication between the two of you and to address this.
Real intimacy is created in everyday communication, in the nitty-gritty of sharing a life together and in the hard work of resolving conflicts and accepting the other person as different to you.
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There is a big difference between a person occasionally viewing pornography with the knowledge and even involvement of their partner to a full-blown betrayal and using adult websites to start affairs with other people.
Like many problems, it can start innocently at first, with a person visiting sexually titillating sites perhaps out of boredom or a seeking escapism but then it can escalate to other behaviours, such as directly communicating with other people online and over time can become addictive and harmful.
I feel a bit betrayed and worry about whether I can trust him.
When I spoke to him again about it, he did apologise and said he won’t do it again but he then came out with a load of stuff about how unhappy he was in the marriage, that we never spend time together (which is true), but I don’t think it is fair for him to blame me.
Such intimacy is built on communication and friendship and leads to deep affection and a satisfying sex life.
However, creating this intimacy is hard work and much harder than the easy escapism of the internet or watching TV or even over-working or domestic chores.
ASK THE EXPERT: QI have been married 10 years and we have four children aged 9, 7, 6 and 4.